Posted by: Gregg | September 12, 2007

You Suck – Christopher Moore

Sometimes I don’t need a book to be a Work of Penetrating, Soul-Scouring Art. Sometimes I just need a book to be there for me, to take me away from work and school and everyday stress. Sometimes I need a book to tell me a story that’s not completely unbelievable, yet something that I can put down at a moment’s notice and resume later without having to feel guilty because I forgot what was going on. Oh yeah: funny doesn’t hurt, either.

Sometimes I need an author like Christopher Moore. His latest, “You Suck,” is a smart, witty, and hysterically funny novel about vampires. It’s actually a sequel to a previous book, but you don’t need to read it to know what’s going on here. It’s got your hero, who is a slightly goofy writer-type who has just got turned into a vampire by his sex-goddess vampire girlfriend, herself a former minion to a thousand-year-old dude who, as the story begins, is encased in a strong coating of bronze, like a pair of baby shoes. The bronzing was the responsibility of a group of supermarket stocker friends of the hero, who spend their time, when they’re not fighting creatures of the night, getting stoned and bowling with frozen turkeys down the produce isle, knocking over two-liters of Diet Coke. The group of stoner friends have sold all the art objects belonging to the ancient vampire on eBay and have come back from a weekend in Vegas with a stretch Hummer and their very own hooker, who has painted herself blue from top to (ahem) bottom in order to market herself to fans of the Blue Man Group, which just encourages all sorts of lewd Smurf jokes.

It’s that kind of book.

There is a plot, but I won’t bore you with it; just know that the whole thing is readable, fun, and well worth your time. Especially to someone like me who played far, far too many White Wolf role-playing games in the 1990s.



  1. I’m listening to that book on CD right now! It’s okay, I can’t say I’m blown away but it’s readable (er, listen-able?) and entertaining. I was looking at his other stuff and realize I should have read the first book in the series first, though I still might go back and read it. He has some others out that look interesting, too.

  2. That’s exactly the point – it’s a literary version of a Rice Krispy Treat – it tastes good and you certainly want more, but it doesn’t exactly stick to you. Nor is it supposed to.

    You know, I’ve never tried the books on CD thing, but a bunch of people at my library swear by it.

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